How being dialectical can help your relationship
written by Kristen McCormick, LPC
Relationships can be tough. Whether they are romantic or platonic in nature, the potential for conflict is inevitable. In fact, if you are not experiencing any conflict in your relationship, you may have a bigger problem to face (lack of intimacy, lack of attachment). Conflict is a natural and “normal” part of relationships. However, conflicts can become toxic or unhealthy when you begin to feel gridlocked or feel that you are perpetually in conflict. Unhealthy conflict can lead to all of the Gottmans’ four horsemen including defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism, and (perhaps the most dangerous of them all) contempt. As some of my clients have mentioned to me, it often feels as if we are just volleying the blame back and forth to each other without any resolution. This pattern can lead to feelings of hopelessness, resentment towards your partner, and avoidance, which in turn can spiral into decreased intimacy and sexual interaction. So, what to do?
As a therapist, I love to blend different styles and philosophies of counseling. As I mentioned above, I definitely incorporate aspects of the famous Gottman approach into my practice and my personal life. Specifically, I appreciate their distinction between solvable and perpetual conflicts.
Essentially, solvable conflicts are what they seem. Conflicts that can be resolved in a collaborative manner.
Example: My husband and I are supposed to be at an event at 5pm. I am running late and my husband is upset. I acknowledge that I am running late, apologize, and decide to do my make-up in the car so we can get to the event relatively on time. Husband feels validated, no one escalates, and we get to the event relatively on time. Problem resolved.
Now, the trickier part: the perpetual conflict. Perpetual conflicts exist in all of our relationships. There are some conflicts that will rarely be completely resolved due to our diverse family histories, our previous relationship experiences, and our unique personality traits and dispositions. Let me provide a personal example. My husband is a punctual person by nature. I am not. I am consistently late in my personal life. My friends actually adjust their expectations based on this aspect of my personality. It drives my husband nuts. So, let’s take that first example of a solvable conflict and add a layer of the perpetual conflict.
My partner and I are supposed to be at an event at 5pm. I am running late and my husband is upset. Instead of apologizing and acknowledging my tardiness, I become defensive and argue that he is too controlling about being on time. He counters with a statement that I am “always late” and it looks bad on him when we show up tardy together. He makes further statements that he is just going to meet me at the events from now on, which increases my anger and hostility towards him. We continue bickering in the car, leading to stonewalling by my husband who says he can “never win” an argument even when it is my fault. We keep our distance at the party and generally have a miserable time.
Sound familiar? Yep, we all have these moments. You can typically spot that a solvable conflict has become a perpetual conflict when you begin to use words and phrases such as “you should..,” “you always,” or “you never.” The ghosts of relationships past, previous arguments, or even our family baggage can enter into the equation. You are no longer in the present. You are involving the past AND the future in the conflict at that moment. At this time, you have backed yourself into a corner and it will inevitably become that volleyball match of who is to blame.
Here’s where I blend counseling styles and philosophies. In my full-time job, I use Dialectical Behavior Therapy exclusively as part of a therapeutic research study for folks who struggle with depression, suicidal thoughts, and self-harming behaviors. For those who do not know or have not heard of DBT, it was created by Marsha Linehan and incorporates a blend of behavioral techniques/skills with an Eastern philosophy. Marsha incorporates mindfulness and concepts such as dialectics into her therapeutic practice to promote living in the present and decrease rigid or “black or white” thinking. Mindfulness and dialectics are incredibly useful in supporting healthy relationships.
So, how is mindfulness helpful in relationships and specifically in conflicts? Mindfulness is ALL about being in the present moment, observing internally and externally with our five senses. Mindfulness enables us to focus only on what is happening in the moment, which can counter the emergence of the ghosts of past relationships mentioned earlier. It takes a tremendous amount of practice to be mindful, especially when in conflict. Often times, it may require deescalation first (i.e. breathing, taking a break, distraction) before you are able to practice mindfulness during a conflict. If we are distressed, it can be harder to stay in the present or we can become hyper-focused (i.e. tunnel vision). Mindfulness is a skill that can be practiced on a daily basis. I liken it to building a muscle group in your body. If you practice mindfulness several minutes a day in calm moments, you can build your mindfulness muscles and really flex them when you are in conflict.
Dialectics is perhaps the most useful skill I have encountered when it comes to working with couples and in my own relationship. You can google “dialectics” and read through about a thousand cognitive descriptions of the word and philosophy including references to Socrates, etc. For our purposes, I will break it down as Marsha does in DBT. Dialectics is finding the synthesis between two seemingly opposite truths, finding the “kernel of truth” in what the other person is saying or feeling. Dialectics does not mean compromise (although it can often lead to it) or giving in to your partner’s perspective. It just means acknowledging or validating some aspect of your partner’s opinion or feelings as a truth. Take my previous example again. In order to avoid getting gridlocked, we could use dialectical thinking in that process and possibly seek synthesis. Let’s see how it might go.
My husband and I are supposed to be at an event at 5pm. I am running late and my husband is upset. Instead of apologizing and acknowledging my tardiness, I become defensive and argue that he is too controlling about being on time. He counters with a statement that I am “always late” and it looks bad on him when we show up tardy together. [We have now entered the perpetual conflict zone]. Instead of digging our heels in and starting that volleyball match, we use dialectics to seek synthesis. I take a breath and validate his frustration around being late to important events. He acknowledges his harsh tone and states that he does not want to start our event in conflict. If we continue with this dialectical thinking and validation, we most likely will move through the conflict and be able to enjoy the party together.
Did it resolve the fact that I am “always” late and he is rigid about being on time. Nope. Will we have future conflicts about this exact dilemma? Absolutely. The point is that each time we are moving towards acceptance, which can in turn lead to change. Over time, I may begin to change my behaviors to attempt to be more on time for important events. He may begin to loosen up his expectations about being on time for certain events. Ideally, this dialectic of acceptance and change will lead to a healthier dynamic between us and lesser feelings of being stuck.
My in-laws actually have a similar dilemma. I know...we all end up with versions or counter-versions of our parents, right? In their relationship, they have reached acceptance around this difference and will actually plan to meet at events if it feels important for the punctual partner to be there exactly on time. They make this arrangement without resentment or conflict, simply with the acceptance of their differences.
I want to end this blog with the statement that no one skill or concept will fix your relationship. It is a combination of understanding, practicing of skills, support, validation, and simply time that will lead to a healthier and more satisfying relationship. However, I do believe that adding dialectics and mindfulness can increase the overall health in our relationships AND I tend to practice what I preach.
Questions or comments? Email me at kmctherapypdx@gmail.com.
My blog posts are not meant to be a replacement to therapy. If you are in crisis or need support, please contact your local county’s mental health crisis line or dial 9-1-1. To make a referral for counseling with me, click the button below.
Further reading and resources used in this article:
The Gottman Method: https://www.gottman.com/
Dialectical Behavior Therapy: https://behavioraltech.org/